Friday, May 30, 2008

Rob's Happy Time Adult Water Park

I'm more of an "idea man" than 0ne of those crazy "men of action." Definitely more into sitting back, coming up with a kick-ass idea, and then letting all the suckers run around like mad trying to make it happen. So I will use this space to let you, the people, in on some of my plans. I'm not a jealous or greedy man either, so if you like one of my ideas, feel free to take it and run with it.

So far, this has not happened yet. I'm constantly saying things like "You know what would be cool..." or "Listen to this..." or even "I've got a great idea..." which is then usually followed up with some totally rad, awesomest invention ever - like chocolate chicken, blacklight tattoos, or guitars that are, like, double guitars. For some reason, nobody is following me around with a notepad and pencil copying everything I say word-for-word and then analyzing it all to find little nuggets of gold that I am just dropping day in and day out.

However, I believe this is all about to change with my latest idea: an adult water park.

It's pretty much a no-brainer. Whenever you add the word 'adult' to the front of something that is already good, preferably something really sweet from your childhood (playgrounds, beverages, diapers, etc..), it makes it even more rockin'.

So we are going to take the beloved water park of our youth, and adult it up a little bit.

First, so we are all on the same page, let's just reflect on regular water parks right now. If anybody is familiar with the water park on the Ocean City boardwalk, or Dorney Park's Wild Water Kingdom, that is a good jumping-off point. I have heard about a place called Wolf Lodge, or something like that, which is indoors and has a hotel attached to it (this is more along the lines of what we are talking about).

So "kiddie" water parks, as we will now call them, are kind of loud, and for some reason, I am picturing them being very sticky. When you pay money you get a bracelet, and the color on your bracelet lets you know how long you can stay (Attention: Everyone wearing an orange bracelet will need to exit the park by 1:15). We will probably adopt this tactic for our adult park, but I am not sure exactly how it will be utilized.

The big draws at any kiddie water park are the real tall loopy slides, one for tubes and one not for tubes. These require climbing up a mountain of stairs, sometimes with an inner tube being lugged behind you, to wait in a line for your chance to slide all the way to the bottom into a big pool. There is also a ride, heretofore known as "Shotgun Falls," that is just a wide, open-aired slide, one or two bumbs in it, that spits you out about 10 feet above the actual pool. It feels like you are being shot out of a cannonball...or better yet, a shotgun. Actually, even better yet, like you're the cork being popped off a bottle of champagne (an aspect we will certainly need to take advantage of for our adult park).

Now, while these are the glitzy, showy rides that get you in the door, the real lifeblood, the backbone of any water park worth its salt, is the Lazy River.

Ah yes, the lazy river is a magical place. Winding around the perimeter of the park, sometimes even cutting through the middle, the lazy river is the perfect spot to chillax after an intense morning on Shotgun Falls. There are inner tubes aplenty, bridges to go under, and sometimes even waterfalls. It is a great way to see the entire park, and catch some rays while you're at it.

The most important part about our adult water park, besides the booze, is the fact that it will be indoors. If you've ever been in one of those artificial tropical rain forests (I believe there is one at the Baltimore Aquarium), that is the feel we are going for. There will be plenty of live plants on the ground, maybe growing on the walls, and some sections where there is a cool mist.

The three or four stories will all be open, so you will be able to meander along the lazy river, look up, and see someone all the way at the top about to go down one of the tall, loopy slides.

Now let's just cover the booze here for a second. There won't be any cash exchanged when buying beers or mixed drinks, that all gets taken care of with your bracelet. There is a skybar, at the very top of the building, where you can really get down to the serious drinking. Then, when you're done, you can just jump into one of those tall, loopy slides and coast all the way to the bottom. Once you're down there, I recommend burning some energy in the tide pool, checking out (newly renamed) Champagne Falls, and swimming up to one of the swim-up bars for some frozen cocktails. After you do all that, it's time to get busy in the Lazy River.

Grab an inner tube, grab a drink, and just float around the park. There will be HD TVs scattered about, maybe a water-resistant foosball table, you get the idea. Also, there will be a section of the park for beer sports, with a floating beer pong table and maybe some mini-golf.

I haven't got all the details worked out, but that's not really my job.

So let's say it's a real hot day in the middle of August. You've done the beach, you've done the mall and the movies, and your AC is on the fritz.

Come on down to Rob's Happy Time Adult Water Park! The lifeguards are strippers and the booze is free!!

(note: booze is not actually free)

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A plea for equity

OK- so just reported that our old friend (and by friend, I mean outrageously casual acquaintance) Matt Ryan got $35 million guaranteed from the Falcons. This has thrown me into quite a shame spiral made only worse by my overall lack of hygiene and outlook on life. I have decided to come up with a list of achievements that I have accomplished over the course of my life which make me, and not cannon-armed Matt Ryan, over-qualified for a $35 million bonus.

7 years old: during a belching contest with my babysitter (Jamal, brother of Mrs. Jimmy Rollins) I successfully belched and broke wind simultaneously, thus victoriously eliminating Jamal

Also 7 years old: while sitting on my father's lap during a Phils game, I "sharted," thus staining his pants. Upon further inflection, I probably needed to be referred to a gastrointerologist during my 8th year of life

12 years old: upon receiving unmerited criticism that I in fact had a "rat tail" despite clear and convincing evidence to the contrary, I threw a temper tantrum which resulted in a physical stand-off with a lesbian gym teacher on a crowded school bus. While I avoided a pesky "suspension" I had to later apologize to the teacher. After doing that, I returned to my lunch table and bragged to my friends about how the apology was completely without feeling or emotion only to look into their eyes and see the classic "dear lord, she is standing right behind you and you're in the process of being too loud" look in their eyes. Shortly thereafter, a subsequent apology was quickly followed by an afternoon in the principal's office.

15 years old: During evening rehearsals of "Fiddler on the Roof" my friend and I thought it would be truly groundbreaking to craft strawberry smoothies with an extra special ingredient. After wild and flamboyant advertisements of the concoction to anyone who would listen, we hoarded it from all friends. This aroused suspicion among teacher/chaperons who were there. This resulted in a Spanish teacher drinking all of it. We're not clear how his night ended but it is reasonable to suspect that it included Snickers Ice Cream bars and French Electronica music.

19 years old: After hearing that a dear friend would be in Israel for two weeks, I planned large pool and alcohol parties on his property. Trash was left both in and near the pool, various cleaning ladies dimed me out upon witnessing the raucous soirees which occurred nightly, and, long story short, I've never been as welcome there ever since.

As you can see, I'm not entirely sure who Matt Ryan thinks he is, but let me tell you, he is not better than either you or me and, frankly, we should all be entitled to a cut of his astronomical salary. If the aforementioned character portrayals aren't persuasive, then, tell me, what is?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Is It Too Early to Buy a DeSean Jackson Jersey?

Just a simple question:

Is it too early to buy a DeSean Jackson jersey?

I know all about the Eagles success with drafting wide receivers, and I know rookies in general hardly ever make an impact on Andy Reid's teams, and I know the guy is 170 lbs. soaking wet, but does that mean it's too early to buy a DeSean Jackson jersey?

Personally, I am a little pumped right now, because I just had this revelation that the Eagles got the steal of the draft. True, I also had this revelation after reading a Dave Spadaro On The Inside column, which is pretty much like drinking Midnight Green Kool-Aid, but it was a revelation nonetheless.

Let's just take a look at the facts first. The guy was one of the best players in the country his senior year of high school at Long Beach Poly, which is a football powerhouse. He was recruited by every major program and chose to stay local and go to Cal. His senior year he earned First Team All-American honors, caught 65 balls for 6 TDs, and returned a kick and a punt. The year before he caught 9 TDs and returned 4 punts for TDs. Pretty impressive.

He was also projected to be a sure-fire first round pick, but teams passed on him due to character issues (who doesn't have character issues anymore?), and his diminuitive size. To that I say, look at Brian Westbrook, look at Allen Iverson, and look at Mark McGwire when he first came into the majors (sidenote: the NFL does not test for HGH). The guy will be playing wide receiver and returning kicks and punts. He doesn't need to be huge. It helps to be big if you're not as talented as him (Plaxico I'm looking at you), but with his skill, all the Birds need to do is find a way to get him the ball and he'll be juking and jiving all over the place. Barry Sanders was never a big guy, but the reason he never really got hurt is because it was hard to get a clean shot on him. Defenders were more worried about just bringing him to the ground than delivering vicious blows.

He has been working out with Jerry Rice (Jerry Rice!) for a while now, who is teaching him the ins and outs of the position (how to deceive a corner, how to get off the line of scrimmage, etc...), as well as how to stay healthy, how to train, and also the business side of the game. Forget about the Super Bowl rings and the MVP awards, I'm pretty sure this guy won Dancing With The Stars.

So he's got that going for him.

Which is nice.

Some other nice things about DeSean Jackson are his number (18), and his clear visor (not as intimidating as B-Dawk's all-black tint, but kind of sweet in its own right).

The Eagles are a veteran team, with a lot of good pieces in place. DeSean Jackson doesn't need to be a savior on this team, which is a role he would probably fail in. He just needs to be a piece of the puzzle. I think he is exactly the kind of player that can do that.

Maybe he'll take it to the house a couple of times on kick-offs or punts. Maybe he'll have a handful of catches for some big yardage, maybe he'll be another weapon for D-Mac to get the ball to, either way, I think it's just about the right time to buy a DeSean Jackson jersey.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

It's probably already been said...

Great Phils game last night. I think the Phils and D-Backs could have an interesting East-West rivalry over the next few years because they both have a surplus of talent, play hard, and are well-managed. That being said, as I watched last night, D-Back (the obvious slur/pun for their fan names is just too easy so I'll abstain) fans behind home plate nearly ruined my entire viewing experience.

It is officially time to ban the "I'm on my cell phone in the background of the shot and I'm waiving into the camera like a complete dunce and not paying attention to the game whatsoever even though these tickets cost more than feeding a homeless person for a month" "fans" from the game altogether. I genuinely can not think of a tackier, me-first move at the ballpark. This type of buffonery needs to stay with Toomey and Co. in FDR well before the first pitch is thrown.

It ruins the game for the fans watching on TV. It makes puts the violator in perpetual fan purgatory without the chance of redemptipon. Have these folks never seen themselves on TV before? Have their idiot friends who text them "DUDE, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS IT, WE CAN SEE YOUR LEFT SLEEVE ON TV WHEN UTLEY TAKES HIS WARM-UP SWINNNGGGSSSS, CALL ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" never had a more exciting moment in their life than this? This hand-waving crap does the opposite of Jebediah Springfield- it enlittles every man.

In conclusion, let me state that if for some reason I or anyone else on this blog ever gets seats to the game where his visage is in the periphery of a camera 4 shot during a game, please, I beg you, don't be that loser on his phone not paying attention to the game. You go to the game to see Victorino's hustle and Howard's power, not yourself. If you're more worried about yourself and your appearance on TV, do us all a favor and stay home and hang out with Howard Eskin and his horseshit crew all day.

Monday, May 5, 2008

More on Drunk Driving

You know in the 40-Year-Old Virgin where that drunk girl makes Steve Carell blow into the breathalyzer thing in her car? Apparently that is called the Interlock Device, and is a very serious thing. A lot of organizations, like MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), have been pushing to get these added to cars, not just the cars of serial drunk drivers or alcoholics, but all cars.

It looks like a very strong reality in the next 5-10 years, and in theory seems like a great idea: You get in the car, blow in it, and if you blow over a .3 or something, the car will shut down and not start. That way there won't be any drunk drivers on the road and nobody will get mowed down. Hard to be against that, right?

Well there is a website called that is actually quite against it. They have a well-publicized advertisement in USA Today showing a picture of Lindsay Lohan, with the caption A Good Idea For Her (meaning this device is good for her), and then three other pictures of what look like a wedding party and some other normal, social functions, and the caption A Bad Idea For Us. Basically the point they are making is that this interlock device really should only be used on total lunatics who are most likely alcoholics, and not the good, hard-working, hard-drinking people of everyday America.

And I totally agree.

Drunk driving is a choice. Sure, it might be illegal, but I feel like I have the right to choose to break the law. Keep your rosaries off my ovaries, and so forth.

If we let this happen, soon we will need to blow into all sorts of things just to get them to work.

Oh, and for full disclosure, it turns out this Interlock Facts website was created by the liquor industry.

On a related note, the Philadelphia Eagles currently have 3 pro-bowl caliber cornerbacks and 0 pro-bowl caliber wide receivers.

Should we trade one of our corners for a WR? Should we keep all 3 corners and be totally stacked at that position? Is Lito going to stay happy all season? Can we get the media to not totally sabotage the situation by bringing it up every day? And does Asante Samuel seem like a total mercenary to you, too? I feel like he is not the kind of guy to go up to Lito and be like "It's a unique situation we're in let's be cool about it." I see him more being like "If he dies, he dies."