Thursday, February 28, 2008

We Talkin' Bout Practice!?!?

Shaq is still the Man of Steel, but he never did it like this.

Better go get some Vitamin Water.

Drinking and Driving is Bad...Ass

At the risk of being redundant with my title, I thought I would point out some obvious things that everyone would or should know. I must agree that there are many good reasons that drinking and driving is bad, (especially the real dangers). That being said, it also makes you a sexual tyrannosaurus, much as the Body pointed out.

Conceding that facts #1-4 are not only accurate but just common sense, and working with in the time constraints outlined (however bumping up the time to leave till 6 am, as that is when real deal boozing takes place.) I must conclude that drinking and driving is, in many cases absolutely badass. Of course in the scenario mentioned there are many reasons for Billy to choose to stay but at the same time, but what if there were more to the story…Suppose that Billy has been trying to make moves on Sally all night. Now Billy knows Sally. Sally could be some girl who is just along for the night, an old classmate, or a crew regular with whom Billy would like engage in normal and healthy sexual relations. Once again, keeping in mind the drink limit laid out, suppose Billy has been drinking harder and faster than usual, either to use it as an elixir to take his game to new heights or to be able to say “hey it wasn’t me who made those inappropriate comments and groped you up! It was the booze talking.” What does Billy need in this situation: a parachute, provided from our good friend D&D. Billy will be able to say “fuck this shit, I am outta here baby.” to Sally and have all the positive experiences mentioned under fact number one. He will impress her as a real life Evil Kaneval, one who ready to please, and a force who can not be reckoned with.

Suppose also that Billy keeps his roll going at said buddy’s house, its six am and he is really hitting his stride, but everyone else can’t keep up. What if there is urine all over the floor? It’s at this point that he will be able to exercise his autonomy and be a pack leader, pulling ideas from outside of the box that may seem a bit too unorthodox and “zany” for some of his starched shirt friends. When he wakes up hung-over drunk, Billy will be able to leave his home and return to his buddy’s home for day drinking. This will allow him to believe that he has finished one mission and is embarking on a whole new quest. If he chooses to stay, Billy will never be rested and once he awakens, in the back of his mind he will be thinking “I have to get home, what kind of a sick degenerate am I?” But if Billy goes home he will be able to wake up and engage in all day booze jockeying, knowing full well that he fulfilled his duty of Friday night, and is just warming up for Saturday.

It’s tough to buttonhole a situation with as many potential twists and turns as Billy’s, you don’t want to trap someone in a box, you need to give him choice and hope and pray that he is a badass.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Moving Day LVP

Every guy has helped their buddy move to a new place at least a few times in his life. It's fuckin' take a Saturday and rent a U-haul, knock back a few Yuenglings, and move some couches awkwardly down a few flights of stairs, then finish the day off by eating some pizzas and watching a Sixers game. Always a good time, the combination of drinking and lifting heavy objects creates a situation that is ripe for hilarity, and good memories.

But if you've ever gotten together a bunch of your bros to move a buddy into a new apartment, you know about that that guy. C'mon, you know about that guy...he's not really a part of the group, he's usually a friend of a friend, or somebody's girlfriend's brother. When that guy goes to the bathroom you ask the dude who you're moving out "Hey, who's that guy?" Your bro answers, "Oh, that guy? Yeah, that's Chuck, Sarah's brother. He's from Columbus, he's a good guy." Now, he doesn't have to be named Chuck- he could be named Brad, or Steve. Let me tell you about that guy. He is most definitely going to be the LVP of the day, the Least Valuable Player.

That guy often has sideburns and a fur-lined bomber jacket. He doesn't usually have much to say, because he is an outsider, but that's not what bothers me. It's his total lack of blue-collar work ethic. While your muscling a chaise lounge down the winding staircase of a rowhome, he's carrying a pillow and a couple of VHS tapes out to the U-haul. When you and one of your bros are precariously handing a mattress to a couple of your other bros through a second story window, he's sitting in the truck talking to some other toad on his cell phone. You come away at the end of the day with torn-up knuckles and a couple of new rips in your work jeans, but he's as clean as when yous started.

But thats not the only reason he gets LVP. Because while you and your dudes are working up a sweat moving shit and drinking beers, he's standing around, also drinking your beers, commenting on how you're moving the furniture. "No, no, guys, you have to angle the desk topwise." Man, what a strapper. And when its lunchtime, and you're all ordering pizza, and the dude who you're moving out asks what you all want on the pizza, that guy always wants some stupid shit like spinach and olives.

But every moving day needs an LVP. Who's the MVP? Joe. That guy can really move some shit.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Drunk Driving Is Bad

I am here today to warn against the dangers of drunk driving.

Sure, this has probably been done before, but it's time to take a long hard look at one of society's ills.

First, let's set the facts straight.

Fact #1: People love to drive drunk.

It's the truth. Slamming back some lager bottles and then getting in your car, turning the radio up, and driving excessively fast is a lot of fun. It gets you where you need to go, and it also gets your car there. Win win.

Fact #2: If the sun is out, it's not drunk driving.

If we are going to be fighting something, we need to define exactly what it is. And better yet, what it is not. No need to go preaching to the choir. People that drink a lot of alcohol and then drive their car when the sun is out are responsible people. They know about the dangers of drunk driving, that's why they are getting all their driving in during the day. So we do not need to target this group.

Fact #3: Drinking and driving is not drunk driving.

Let's be honest, sometimes you get thirsty when you are out on the open road. And sometimes you want to arrive somewhere (the beach, the bar, a concert, traffic court), with some of the boozing already out of the way. I mean, most every car comes equipped with cup holders. You mean to tell me those aren't for the beers? So we can look past these people as well, they are not drunk driving, they are simply drinking and driving. Totally different.

In order to really have an impact, we need to focus our preaching on actual drunk drivers. That means people who drive their cars between the hours of 2 and 4 am with at least 12 beers and 3 shots in their system. Anything less, and it is simply buzzed driving (Fact #4 buzzed driving is not drunk driving).

I am about to get into the actual dangers of drunk driving, but I first want to set a scene. Here is an example of a situation where someone might drive drunk, followed by the ramifications.

It is a Friday night. Billy is going to meet up with some pals at a friend's house around 8 PM. They are going to drink a few beers, play some beer pong, and then head to the bar around 11PM. At the bar, they will do a few rounds of shots, and also booze beers aggressively. They will then walk back to said friend's house and drink a few more beers, play some beer pong, and slowly call it a night.

Billy is considering doing all of the above and then getting into his car and driving home around 3 AM.

The following list will be in no particular order and will detail why driving home is a bad idea for Billy.

1. Throughout the night, Billy will be subconsciously thinking about driving home later. This may cause him to turn down a round of shots, skip out on some beer pong, or just not drink his beers fast enough. End result? He will not get as drunk as if he had no intentions of driving. Not getting as drunk as possible is one of the most serious side effects of drunk driving. In fact, they should probably call this not-that-drunk driving.

2. After the bar, it's the after-party, as R. Kelly taught us. This can be one of the most magical, and boozy, times of the night. People are often fall down drunk, getting in fights about beer pong, and spilling things. In short, it is can't-miss booze time. If Billy drives, he will miss out on most of this. Either because he doesn't want to drink so soon before driving, or because he has already left. Think about all the great times you've had after the bar, and think about what you would miss if you drove home.

3. Hungover Drunk. I can't stress this one enough. One of the best parts about drinking is that, when done properly, you get to wake up the next morning and be hungover drunk. This is probably one of the best times in my day, those first few hours before the headache really sets in, when I am refreshed from some passed-out slumber. You can do anything you want hungover drunk - it combines all the effects of actually being drunk with none of the legal consequences. So if you really want to drive drunk, I suggest driving hungover drunk the next morning instead of piss drunk that night.

Also, when hungover drunk, it is best to be with friends. Nobody wants to wake up the next morning in their bed and have to call a friend to loudly discuss all the doings that transpired. It is much better to do this in person, so you can slam your fists against a table when guffawing and really get your point across. After this, you can go out to breakfast, and maybe even order a beer (No worries though, because you will be driving home in the sunlight).

4. When you do finally make it home, you can really relax and appreciate your bed. A lot of drunk drivers tell me that they just want to sleep in their own bed. While perfectly understandable, I ask these people to consider delaying that gratification. Instead, sleep curled up in a recliner, or on the bathroom floor. That way, when you drive home the next morning, you will be able to crawl into your own bed and really get down and dirty with it. And you will need to, because sleeping from 5 to 8 AM while hugging the toilet bowl is not going to be enough shut-eye.

Some side benefits of refusing to drive drunk include: less time spent at the mechanic waiting for him to fix those pesky dings and dents (which means more money in your pocket! ka-ching!), no more cleaning up dried blood from the bumper (or vomit from the floor mat), and getting to know Judge Snyder on strictly social terms (scratch golfer).

I hope you take my lessons to heart, because refusing to drive drunk could really add to your quality of life.

Take it from me, I'm a winner!

Friday, February 22, 2008

Sometimes You Just Have To Let It Go

Cheating, lies, and corruption are everywhere in sports these days. All three major sports have had scandals that contest the integrity of each game. Baseball has its juicers which account for nearly every great slugger of the 90s and now the greatest pitcher of the modern era. The NBA fairs slightly better with its players staying out of the mess, but Donaghy pushing scores up above gambling lines means the games were not refereed fairly and some of these were playoff games. Lucky for Vegas gambling will probably not take a big hit because anyone crazy enough to bet on regular season bball is beyond help. Lastly, there is the NFL and Spygate.

I can't stand the Patriots. I can't stand their fans. I can't stand them winning. I can't stand them winning for a city that cares about them far, far behind their beloved Sawks and Ceatles . I can't stand their arrogance, their callousness, their lack of respect for their opponents, and yeah, their ability to make all the right moves that I only wish the Birds would do. That said I was giddy when Spygate came out. It finally made sense! Of course they cheated, they had been cheating all along I bet. I used to joke about a conspiracy theory a cab driver in Connecticut told me about how the Patriots came out of nowhere to win the SuperBowl the season after 9/11. "So the Patriots, one of the worst franchises, come out of nowhere to get the chip and you gonna tell me the President doesn't have something to do with this? Wake up people!?" He was also a Giants fan. Now while still a ludicrous theory we are a little closer to the schemes of the wise cabbie.

With the latest reports that former Patriots employee, Matt Walsh, has film he took of the St. Louis Rams walk-through practice the day before the 2002 Super Bowl, the Patriots cheating ways have come into a new light. If they were doing this back in 2002 and it worked for them one can only assume they have been doing it ever since. There has been debate as to how helpful stealing signals and videotaping walk-throughs actually will be and coaches, players, and analysts have chimed in on both sides. However, the fact remains that they wouldn't have done it if it wasn't going to help them at all.

Now Arlen Specter long time Senator from good old Pennsylvania wants answers. He wants to know why the Spygate tapes were destroyed by Commissioner Goodell and why there have not been inquiries into the tapes from the 2002 Super Bowl and any other game the Patriots played in including the Patriots win over...yes...achem...mmmphf...(sniff)..dah!...yeah, the Birds.

As much as I would feel some vindication for the Patriots to be further confirmed as cheaters and their dynasty trashed I must say we have to let this one go. I listened to the entire Clemens hearing a few weeks ago and it was a travesty. The Mitchell Report did nothing good for baseball and only reinforced the idea that the game has not been pure in two decades and it was only dirtier than we thought it was. It is apparent to me that Bud Selig and the owners are to blame for letting steroids run rampant. It is understandable, yet not excusable why they let it go. After the strike baseball needed a jolt and its saviors were Mark McGuire and Slammin Sammy Sosa. Their home run duel and a few Yankee championships rejuvenated America's interest in the sport. A decade later base ball is back. Last season baseball broke attendance records across the board. Young, good looking, lovable, inspiring, and clean stars are pushing the game into a new era. However, baseball for some reason does not want to shake loose of its past. The Mitchell Report has dominated baseball headlines this off season and Clemens testimony before Congress in the public eye was just a debacle for him, for baseball, and maybe most of all for the Congress of country at war (and I don't want to hear about justice or anti-trust crap) Everyone involved is lying or lied, and everyone is guilty.

So I ask you Senator Specter let this one go. Look at how baseball is still crawling out from its shadows years later. Focus on Senatororial stuff, the country needs you. Goodell tried to stifle this mess by getting rid of the tapes and it was the right move. The NFL and its fans do not need to feel more hosed about the game they love. And gamblers don't need to start adding a cheating factor to their weekly analysis. Commissioner Goodell, punish the Patriots if need be (your first attempt wasn't anything more than a slap on the wrist--the Patriots still have the 5th pick from the Niners this year)and setup strict rules that would deter any team from even thinking of taping signals or practices.

There is nothing like watching football on Sunday afternoon with some buddies or family. It brings people together to bond and be passionate about a common theme. It is a reason to grill and throw back some cold lager bottles. It is part of American culture. And maybe sometimes ignorance is bliss--especially when it ultimately just comes to a game. Pursuing old dirt will not change the past and it will only hurt the future.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Phillies vs Sixers (Part 1)

Not too long ago Philadelphia sports fans were on the edge of their seats watching Sixers games with increasing enthusiasm as winter months came and went. It seems now, though, that much of the Philadelphia fan base is more focused on bar-b-que, beers, and summer evenings spent watching Phillies games. But what happened? How did this turn around come to be? Now that the Sixers are officially rebuilding, can they learn anything from what the Phillies have accomplished? In my opinion, they have shown that they already have.

The Phillies took clear steps in making a turn around possible. They fired Manager Larry Bowa, and went with a "player's coach" in Charlie Manuel. At the end of Charlie Manuel's first season in 2005, then General Manager Ed Wade was fired and Pat Gillick was hired as a replacement. Ed Wade hoped that Charlie's slight improvement over his first season would allow him to remain in his current position, but this did not prove to be the case. (Note: For those how don't know, Pat Gillick was the GM in Toronto when Joe Carter shattered my hopes and dreams). Pat Gillick's first goal as GM was to obtain financial flexibility. He traded away overpaid third basemen David Bell in July of 2006, and 3 days later traded the teams biggest name player in "Booby" Abreu. These changes are what essentially created the current Phillies roster. This current roster has been built by allowing young talent such as Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Cole Hamels, and Shane Victorino get on the field and win games as a unit. The Phillies improvements have come from the changes listed above, and a blue-collar Philadelphia type attitude fostered by young talent and a team mentality.

The Sixers recently have taken seemingly similar actions in fostering a turn around of their own. At the end of the 2005 season Jim O'Brien was fired from the head coaching position, and Maurice Cheeks was hired. Mo is widely considered a "player's coach." On December 19, 2006 I cried. On this day Allen Iverson was traded from the Philadelphia 76er's. He was of course the biggest name player on the Sixers roster at the time. In addition, Chris Webber's contract was bought out in order to improve the team's financial situation down the road. These moves were made by former General Manager Billy King. Billy hoped that they would provide him with the ability to remain the team's General Manager, but he was fired on December 4, 2007. At the same time Ed Stefanski was hired as the new GM and his first goal was to increase the Sixers financial flexibility, which he did by trading Kyle Korver to create additional cap space. These changes, and the 2007 draft class, create what is now the current Sixers roster. Young players like Lou Williams, Jason Smith, Rodney Carney, and Thaddeus Young are attracting more and more playing time. With their increasing contributions and the play of other relatively young players in Andre Iguodala, and Samuel Dalembert a team attitude has been created, with the same blue-collar Philadelphia type mentality on defense.

As you can see many similarities can be drawn from actions that brought about the Phillie's turn around, and those that seem to be helping the Sixers start winning games. These similarities include changes in key positions such as GM, coach, and the release of big name players. As these changes were made young talent has been able to incorporate a team attitude, and a workman's type mentality. The Phillies were able to use such changes to their advantage as they achieved the NL East title in the 2007 season. It seems as though the Sixers are using related tactics in order to hopefully achieve similar successes of their own.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

With all the talk lately about elections and among us, since we are patriots, American history, I thought I would start off with a small lesson on civic responsibilities. Some of which while still existent are beginning to be somewhat out of practice, or rather the people who practice them are out of practice.

I am of course referring to drinking during civic responsibilities.

An example presented itself to me yesterday as I was exercising the powerful and interesting responsibility of jury duty. During a break, I stepped into the hall at the courts on Filbert Street, and a gentleman beside me was heard to remark " hold up, Ima' bout to step up to the Chi-Chi's next door, get drunk as shit and be back in here like ahhhh…."

To me truer words were never spoken.

This man truly had his eyes on the prize and his foot on the throat of the issue. He was a true patriot who knew he had to exercise, that's right, responsibility. Then I started wondering "how much would it take for that man to get 'drunk as shit', as he promised," before returning to the judge's chambers? I'm afraid to say it would have been very little...two or three frozen concoctions or three of any kind of alcohol with strawberry would have knocked that man out in a cocoon of horror.

Back in the day people were better equipped to handle the awesome responsibilities of democratic government. In 1758 George Washington ran for the House of Burgessess in VA. He could not attend the election or the politicking as he was still a Col. in the militia, as a result he delegated a friend of his, Lt. Charles Smith to campaign in his absence. Smith informed Washington, via mail, that he had served 28 gallons of rum, 50 gallons of rum punch, 34 gallons of wine, 46 gallons of beer, two gallons of cider (probably hard), for a total of 160 gallons of booze to the crowds. There were 397 voters. Washington won a plurality of these. Think about that, that means that these hero citizens were far more responsible during their civic duty than I could ever be. Sure I will take in a ball game,attend an alumni event or some other patriotic municipal event all while trying to be as responsible as possible. The bottom line is I will never be responsible enough. I will keep trying though. So who's with with me for exercising our responsible duties behind the wheel this Friday?

Monday, February 18, 2008

You Got Punk'd!

Kyle Kendrick looks like he is about to cry in this picture.

No, he did not just find out that he tore his rotator cuff, or that his grandmother has passed away.

He appears distraught because he is looking at trade papers. Because he is being traded. To Japan.

Or so Brett Myers would have him believe, as part of an elaborate prank pulled on the young pitcher.

You should really check out the video of it right here, because it's pretty ridiculous.

When I say elaborate, I mean elaborate. Myers got Charlie Manuel and Ruben Amaro in on it, plus all his teammates and reporters.

They staged a fake news conference, and had him sign his name on official Phillies letterhead.

Basically, he bought it hook, line, and sinker, until Myers yelled out 'You got punk'd' during the news conference. My favorite part of the video? When it cuts to all the reporters laughing at him.

Here are some quotes about the prank:

"I wanted to cry." - Kyle Kendrick

"I would have loved to see him fly to Japan and get off the plane...I would have paid the fare." - Charlie Manuel

"Nobody's safe. Nobody." - Ryan Howard

That last one makes it seem like this Phillies team is going to have a few more pranks go down this season, something I am all for.

Doesn't it seem like a distant memory when this team was full of a bunch of old, tight veterans? Bobby Abreu, David Bell, and the like? They would not have pulled these pranks. They also would probably not have been able to handle the pressure last year when the season came down to the final day.

But this is a new team. We got Brett Myers pulling pranks, Jimmy Rollins making bold predictions, and Shane Victornio not taking his adderal.

Suffice it to say, I like our chances this year.

Go Phils!
Santana who?

Sunday, February 17, 2008


The Flyers are hitting their hardest slump of the season, the Sixers look like they might get into the playoffs. So is anyone ready for baseball? I know that a new washers set and cornhole set have already been completed, paving the way for many glorious afternoons spent drinking beers off Pattison Ave. Anyway, I'm not going to get into a long-winded preview, but I will direct you to the following previews, which are much better then what I would have done.
A good preview with some stats, lists, and quick looks at some new players and guys to watch in camp.
An awesome look at the link between facial hair and winning baseball games.
Other than that just check out or the for solid Phillies coverage.

As for the above picture and the title of this post, you have almost surely seen the picture of Pat Burrel, shirtless, lifting weights. I posted it last year on the ill fated Rope-A-Dopes blog. Anyway, someone on the Phils had the brilliant idea to put the picture on t-shirts with the question "Man or Machine" underneath. Funny? Yes. Motivational? Not sure.

If you haven't seen Anna Benson yet (wife of new Phillies pitcher Kris) Google that shit.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

"It's funny. I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome. I've accomplished more than most men, and without the use of my legs. What... What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski?....Is it it being prepared to do the right thing? Whatever the price? Isn't that what makes a man?"
-The Big Lebowski

Rarely are great feats attempted, and even more seldom realized. And to accomplish a great feat is not the work of one man, some takes a team. And rarely are truly great teams assembled, where that perfect storm of talent, experience, and blue-collar work ethic, coupled with reckless abandon and 'espirit-de-corps,' materializes as a cohesive group of actors. The '93 Phillies come to mind, as well as the First Continental Congress, and the Frank Rizzo administration. Now add to that short list of great teams to accomplish great feats 'The2-1-5', a group of like-minded bloggers and boozehounds to which I am both honored and humbled to be a part of.

Ya know, I've lived in this city most of my life. I've seen some ups and downs, some strikes and gutterballs. Some of the greatest peaks fall away into the lowest valleys...the 2001 NBA finals, the Eagles-Patriots superbowl, the sweep of the '07 Philles in the NLDS. But in this city, you transform inevitable disappointment into hard-nosed, working-class optimism. D
id you know that revolution was forged in the taverns and alehouses of Olde Philadelphia Towne, with the drunken plotting of John Adams, Samuel Adams, Benjamin Franklin, and, to a lesser extent, George Clymer and James Smith? Fuckin 'Eh.