Rob's Happy Time Adult Water Park

I'm more of an "idea man" than 0ne of those crazy "men of action." Definitely more into sitting back, coming up with a kick-ass idea, and then letting all the suckers run around like mad trying to make it happen. So I will use this space to let you, the people, in on some of my plans. I'm not a jealous or greedy man either, so if you like one of my ideas, feel free to take it and run with it.

So far, this has not happened yet. I'm constantly saying things like "You know what would be cool..." or "Listen to this..." or even "I've got a great idea..." which is then usually followed up with some totally rad, awesomest invention ever - like chocolate chicken, blacklight tattoos, or guitars that are, like, double guitars. For some reason, nobody is following me around with a notepad and pencil copying everything I say word-for-word and then analyzing it all to find little nuggets of gold that I am just dropping day in and day out.

However, I believe this is all about to change with my latest idea: an adult water park.

It's pretty much a no-brainer. Whenever you add the word 'adult' to the front of something that is already good, preferably something really sweet from your childhood (playgrounds, beverages, diapers, etc..), it makes it even more rockin'.

So we are going to take the beloved water park of our youth, and adult it up a little bit.

First, so we are all on the same page, let's just reflect on regular water parks right now. If anybody is familiar with the water park on the Ocean City boardwalk, or Dorney Park's Wild Water Kingdom, that is a good jumping-off point. I have heard about a place called Wolf Lodge, or something like that, which is indoors and has a hotel attached to it (this is more along the lines of what we are talking about).

So "kiddie" water parks, as we will now call them, are kind of loud, and for some reason, I am picturing them being very sticky. When you pay money you get a bracelet, and the color on your bracelet lets you know how long you can stay (Attention: Everyone wearing an orange bracelet will need to exit the park by 1:15). We will probably adopt this tactic for our adult park, but I am not sure exactly how it will be utilized.

The big draws at any kiddie water park are the real tall loopy slides, one for tubes and one not for tubes. These require climbing up a mountain of stairs, sometimes with an inner tube being lugged behind you, to wait in a line for your chance to slide all the way to the bottom into a big pool. There is also a ride, heretofore known as "Shotgun Falls," that is just a wide, open-aired slide, one or two bumbs in it, that spits you out about 10 feet above the actual pool. It feels like you are being shot out of a cannonball...or better yet, a shotgun. Actually, even better yet, like you're the cork being popped off a bottle of champagne (an aspect we will certainly need to take advantage of for our adult park).

Now, while these are the glitzy, showy rides that get you in the door, the real lifeblood, the backbone of any water park worth its salt, is the Lazy River.

Ah yes, the lazy river is a magical place. Winding around the perimeter of the park, sometimes even cutting through the middle, the lazy river is the perfect spot to chillax after an intense morning on Shotgun Falls. There are inner tubes aplenty, bridges to go under, and sometimes even waterfalls. It is a great way to see the entire park, and catch some rays while you're at it.

The most important part about our adult water park, besides the booze, is the fact that it will be indoors. If you've ever been in one of those artificial tropical rain forests (I believe there is one at the Baltimore Aquarium), that is the feel we are going for. There will be plenty of live plants on the ground, maybe growing on the walls, and some sections where there is a cool mist.

The three or four stories will all be open, so you will be able to meander along the lazy river, look up, and see someone all the way at the top about to go down one of the tall, loopy slides.

Now let's just cover the booze here for a second. There won't be any cash exchanged when buying beers or mixed drinks, that all gets taken care of with your bracelet. There is a skybar, at the very top of the building, where you can really get down to the serious drinking. Then, when you're done, you can just jump into one of those tall, loopy slides and coast all the way to the bottom. Once you're down there, I recommend burning some energy in the tide pool, checking out (newly renamed) Champagne Falls, and swimming up to one of the swim-up bars for some frozen cocktails. After you do all that, it's time to get busy in the Lazy River.

Grab an inner tube, grab a drink, and just float around the park. There will be HD TVs scattered about, maybe a water-resistant foosball table, you get the idea. Also, there will be a section of the park for beer sports, with a floating beer pong table and maybe some mini-golf.

I haven't got all the details worked out, but that's not really my job.

So let's say it's a real hot day in the middle of August. You've done the beach, you've done the mall and the movies, and your AC is on the fritz.

Come on down to Rob's Happy Time Adult Water Park! The lifeguards are strippers and the booze is free!!

(note: booze is not actually free)