OK- so espn.com just reported that our old friend (and by friend, I mean outrageously casual acquaintance) Matt Ryan got $35 million guaranteed from the Falcons. This has thrown me into quite a shame spiral made only worse by my overall lack of hygiene and outlook on life. I have decided to come up with a list of achievements that I have accomplished over the course of my life which make me, and not cannon-armed Matt Ryan, over-qualified for a $35 million bonus.
7 years old: during a belching contest with my babysitter (Jamal, brother of Mrs. Jimmy Rollins) I successfully belched and broke wind simultaneously, thus victoriously eliminating Jamal
Also 7 years old: while sitting on my father's lap during a Phils game, I "sharted," thus staining his pants. Upon further inflection, I probably needed to be referred to a gastrointerologist during my 8th year of life
12 years old: upon receiving unmerited criticism that I in fact had a "rat tail" despite clear and convincing evidence to the contrary, I threw a temper tantrum which resulted in a physical stand-off with a lesbian gym teacher on a crowded school bus. While I avoided a pesky "suspension" I had to later apologize to the teacher. After doing that, I returned to my lunch table and bragged to my friends about how the apology was completely without feeling or emotion only to look into their eyes and see the classic "dear lord, she is standing right behind you and you're in the process of being too loud" look in their eyes. Shortly thereafter, a subsequent apology was quickly followed by an afternoon in the principal's office.
15 years old: During evening rehearsals of "Fiddler on the Roof" my friend and I thought it would be truly groundbreaking to craft strawberry smoothies with an extra special ingredient. After wild and flamboyant advertisements of the concoction to anyone who would listen, we hoarded it from all friends. This aroused suspicion among teacher/chaperons who were there. This resulted in a Spanish teacher drinking all of it. We're not clear how his night ended but it is reasonable to suspect that it included Snickers Ice Cream bars and French Electronica music.
19 years old: After hearing that a dear friend would be in Israel for two weeks, I planned large pool and alcohol parties on his property. Trash was left both in and near the pool, various cleaning ladies dimed me out upon witnessing the raucous soirees which occurred nightly, and, long story short, I've never been as welcome there ever since.
As you can see, I'm not entirely sure who Matt Ryan thinks he is, but let me tell you, he is not better than either you or me and, frankly, we should all be entitled to a cut of his astronomical salary. If the aforementioned character portrayals aren't persuasive, then, tell me, what is?