First, I need to apologize to my family, for the state in which I left the kitchen, the bathroom, the TV room, and most of the backyard. A lot of the items I broke are replaceable, and I'm gonna get right on that. The items which I cannot replace will be glued together, if possible. I will do my best to clean the toilet, but I may need to replace that as well. Furthermore, I am aware that I woke up the entire family with the sound of projectile vomiting. Again, I am truly, truly sorry. The clothes I was wearing yesterday are already in the trash, so hopefully if we keep the windows open that smell will go away in a couple of days. Dad, I will re-sod the tire tracks on the lawn as soon as I am not hungover anymore.
Next, I would like to apologize to my friends. Look, we all pretty drunk...things were said, offensive things I realize, but I don't even remember significant portions of the night. Also, you guys won't have to carry me out of Finnegan's Wake ever again, I have learned my lesson the hard way. To Perfect Friend...well, lets just say I wasn't a 'perfect friend' when I urinated on the door handle of your car. To BC, keep ice on that, the swelling should go down in a few hours. Your support of "Back to the Future 2" as the best in the trilogy did not deserve a bar stool to the eyeball, I realize that now. To the girls in my contacts, I am sure you all received text messages which were inappropriate, perhaps even offensive. Look, I was drunk, OK? Diane, I don't even remember seeing you...Matt told me what I did. Damn, I'm just so sorry. Fuck.
To the employees of Lorenzo's, looking back on it, my speech may have been slurred to the point of incoherence, and may gait may been unwieldy and unpredictable. I understand fully why I was asked to leave.
To the tattoo guy at Old City...I will be back to have the other half of that Notre Dame logo completed, and also to pay you, I assure you. Your work in the medium of blacklight tattoos is impressive, I am sorry if I eluded otherwise the other night.
To the man I hit with my car, I hope you are cool, and not seriously injured or dead. If I had realized I was driving on the sidewalk, I would have definitely tried to steer back onto the road.
All in all, my actions on St. Patty's next year will be more controlled. Fewer carbombs, fewer Guinesses, and I will travel by way of taxi and public transportation.